Tuesday, December 06, 2011

For Now...


This blog’s 7-year anniversary flew by without an acknowledgement – I was in New York, busy with cheese and adventures, but you guys know my heart’s not been here for awhile.

A few reasons. Mostly I just don’t have time. With full time work and about a billion projects on the side, weekdays I leave home at 7am and get back around 9, 10pm. Weekends are kind of blurry with obligations either fun or administrative.

Also, I have other creative endeavours now, that take up pretty much ALL my non-work time, and feel I can ‘use’ blog fodder more effectively there.

So this isn’t goodbye – call it an indefinite hiatus, because I’m nothing if not pretentious.

A check-in…

Boyfriend… AKA ‘Husband’
We’re married. We’re utterly happy. Still in the honeymoon phase we were in when we first got together. We can’t get enough of each other; want to be near each other all the time. If we’re not touching it feels like dying. It’s ridiculous – we feel like we’re genuinely the other half of each other. It’s been like this for 7 years and it's just getting more intense. I doubt that will ever change.

Still live with my Yia Yia. She’s a bit evil, lots of mindgames, but mostly harmless. She keeps wrecking shit, trashing the house, etc. Never live with an old person. They’re filthy and don’t even know it. She stresses me out to the max and I’d dearly love to move out but I couldn’t handle the guilt: Someone needs to keep an eye on her, and if not us, who?

For two years I adored my job. I went up 3 full paygrades in a year. I threw myself into it and was acknowledged for my excellent work. But quite a few things have changed: my position, who I report to, the work I do. It’s not ideal. There are some great benefits still, but I feel a bit like the greyhound killing themselves chasing the mechanical bunny, only to catch it and realise that it’s just a non-delicious machine. Will I stay in the same position? Move to another area of this institution? Go somewhere else entirely? Christ knows. The most important thing is to save as much as possible, very difficult considering how ridiculous Husband and I are with money and fun.

Things are happening. Exciting, heartbreaking, gratifying, frustrating, awful, wonderful things. Very slowly. I don’t know. I’m still not doing nearly as much as I should be. I haven’t written fiction in years and it kills me. Also, I wrote a book about 1900 Freakline. Need to re-draft that fucker.

Post-Accident Health
Collarbone is confirmed ‘most likely healed’. I have a huge scar from the operation. Will get another operation in 1-2 years to take the plate and pins out. Nerve damage in leg and arm is, again ‘most likely’ permanent. O well.

General Health
Been seeing a psychologist post-accident, that’s awesome. PCOS has kept on keeping on. Am losing weight, slowly but surely, as I keep improving lifestyle/fitness-type stuff. The Food Stuff needs to be worked on. Forever, perhaps. The main thing is I’m getting progressively hotter, as I discover better places to get clothes, more cunty ways of doing makeup, etc, etc…

Still going to many concerts, plays and other happenings. Still not doing as many drugs as I’d like to be. Still have a large network of fascinating people who’ve not bred and know where good times can be found. Spending way too much on pretentious food and fancy cocktails. There will be no growing up, or out of this.

Husband and I are relatively vanilla. But interesting things have been happening - there was an accidental mandatory sex party where I was able to faceplant a vadge (awesome) and other interesting possibilities are presenting themselves, largely to do with kink. I’ve been much, much more toppy lately, not wanting to sub for anyone except husband. And I can be quite vicious. Also, identifying more as a Femme Daddy-type, blurring many a gender/sexuality line. We’ll see how that unfolds.

The Future
We need to save. Ideally for a house/apartment, but that’s a pretty lofty fucking aim considering that every time we raise more than $5k we either get married or go overseas.

So save for a house, or save to go live in the US for a test year. We’re giving Melbourne 5-8 years, then it’s LA or San Francisco (most likely San Fran). Because why not.

No kids, not now, not ever. Only adventures and fun.

Tomorrow, I turn 30.

I have no idea what will happen next.

A human female in Melbourne (for now).

Thursday, June 30, 2011

No June!

Lovers, June Didn't Happen.

Well, it did, and it was amazing. But for the first time in almost 7 years, I missed a month!

Just so you know, I'm not going to let this blog teeter with a last, ambiguous post. I'm far too much of a drama queen for that. When it dies, it will DIE. And I'll either put all this sort of stuff elsewhere on my IRL stuff, or I'll make another anon blog, but really this time.

I miss being actually anonymous.


The anniversary of almost dying!
The wedding!

Christ, there's much to update you on.

Today is July 4. I'm totes backdating this one so at least I have something for poor June.

Monday, May 30, 2011

My Mother is a Bridezilla

Seriously, she is out of control. I think it's because she only has this in her life at the moment, so like all bridezillas, she's throwing herself into it.

I, on the other hand, have about 11 million things on the go, so the wedding planning's been a big thing, but not all-consuming.

We had arguments about the following things yesterday afternoon:
• Buttons
• Belt buckles
• Stockings
• Buttons (again)
• Driving
o Direction
o Me using her iPhone while she drives
o iPhone battery
• Buttons (reprise)
• Fabric lengths
o Ties and fabric lengths
o Interfacing
o Text messages
o Text messaging while discussing ties
• Drinking
• Veils
• Drinking too much
• Buttons.

At one point, she actually used the phrase ‘small, tasteful diamante belt buckle’. I politely informed her that I was getting married, not starring in a rap film clip.

Having said that, the entire wedding is being kept entirely retarded. More information when it comes to hand.

Friday, April 29, 2011

2011 Melbourne International Comedy Festival. PART ONE: THE GOOD

33 shows seen this year. Not as good as last year's 37, but a fair effort. Many were free, a few were paid for. Theres at least another 33 I still cant believe I didnt have time for, bah!

What the fuck do I know? Nothing. This is utterly subjective. Plus I've ranked them, since, you know, art is competitive. Ahem.

Now, I've changed their names to prevent auto-googling. Since last time I had a comic whinge about her learning disabilities in the comments, and frankly, who needs that?

So, theyre all in order. Here we go:

5 out of 5 = Perfect
D4niel K1ts0n
He remains my favourite performer of anything ever. I saw the first and last Melbourne performance. I just cant even describe my creepy adoration for him. Have seen him at least twice per festival for over a decade, so yeah, scary obsessive fan alert. But he's so worth it, still.

X4v1er M1ch4ledes
I have a crazy short attention span. Even if I'm loving a show, I'm still kind of looking for the end so I can do other stuff. But I wanted this show to go for another three hours. He's an astounding performer.

4.5 out of 5 = Amazing
S4m S1mm0ns
He gets better every year. I know he's quite a polarising performer, but I just love watching him. He makes me laugh so much I have to actively stop my obnoxious guffaws. But there's also a darkness, a self-hatred, that I respond to. Also, I'm pretty sure hes the only comedian I'd bone.

B4rry M0rg4n's W0rld of 0rgans
This one was such a treat! Pitch-perfect characterisation, such a fun, silly, joyful, daggy show. A gifted performer both musically and comedically (is that a word?). I even bought a t-shirt afterwards. I dont even wear t-shirts!

Z0e C00mbs-M4rr
Fascinating performance. Fucking daring too, and god am I starved for that. I can't wait to see what she comes up with next.

4ndr3w 0'Neill - Out of Step
Love him, love him. But as a metalhead transvestite, he's kind of purpose built for my demographic. He did a bit about whether things were goth or metal. Ever since then, Ive been categorising everything in that way.

M1ch4el W0rkm4n
I saw him as part of the Comedy Zone last year, and couldn't wait to se what else he came up with. And my god, this story show was brilliant. He won best newcomer, beating Zoe (above).

4 out of 5 = Excellent
4ndr3w 0'Neill - Occult Comedian
A one-off repeat session of his show from last year. Loved it the second time round.

Ash3r Tr3lev4n
He tackles racism, but preaches to the converted. In this sense, his show from last year (exploring a straight man's campness) was better. Still absolutely fucking brilliant, though. And the end story was, as always, a fucking corker. One of Australia's best new performers.

M4ria B4mf0rd
Upon a recommendation from the same person who talked up X4vi3r, so how could I not? She was brilliant. My favourite bit was the broad comedy, where she effortlessly impersonated one of those horrid mainstream female comedians.

F3st1val Club
Not really appropriate to rank, but it's always good fun and I wish I'd been able to go more. Though I did beat my last year effort of once.

3.5 out of 5 = Good
Sm4rt C4su4l
First time I've seen them, but will definitely be checking them out in future. There are few things more lovely that seeing a duo (or group) of performers so in synch with each other.

L4wr3nce L3ung
Not his best show, but well worthwhile. He and Andy (below) are my go-to recommendations when people ask what to see. Since I know they're always going to be a joy.

4ndr3w McClell4nd
Exactly the same as above.

G3r4ldine H1ck3y
Last year, I went to the so-so D4ve Th0rnt0n thinking it was the brilliant D4v3 Bl0uste1n. This year, I dashed into a room thinking it was a Qu1nn, but getting a H1ck3y. And I'm so glad I did! I've always been annoyed by her since she's one of those butch straight girls who terrify and confuse me. And she's been doing the queer comedy circuit, which appeared to be a cynical attempt by a straight woman to cash in on the pink market. But no! She's come out! And she totally won me over during this very funny show. I'd love to see her again.

M4rc M4r0n
Have listened to his podcast a few times. An example of the fact - yes, fact - that Americans are the best stand up comedians from a technical standpoint. I can back this up for about an hour if you make the mistake of asking me about it IRL.

D3ad C4t B0unce
Funny, and good music. Just wish I could have seen their Bootlegs show, raved about by many good people.

Th3 Paj4ma M3n
First time seeing these guys. Enjoyable, fantastic, but I'd have to see them again. I'm not yet convinced that they deserve the rabid 5-star reviews they get. Still, very tight, and very accomplished.

The H3rm1tude of 4ngus, Ecst4t1c
I am so fucking starved for new things. In every aspect of life, there are so many jeans and tee combos and not enough cunty getups. So while this show was hit and miss, I loved that it's doing something completely different, and pushing boundaries of performance. For that alone it deserves its sold-out run. Also, the fact that clowning gets such a bad reputation, and there really aren't many accomplished clowns (as opposed to 'clowns') around anymore.

H3adl1ners: S3an P4tt0n, M4rina Fr4nkl1n, M4tt Br4ung3r
A good show to see if you're not a comedy guy. Broad, enjoyable, all professionals. I had many a conversation with both the guys throughout the fest, both were lovely and heaps of fun.

Just1n H4m1lt0n
While not my kind of guy, I really respect how good at the craft he is. A careful, well written and considered show, I enjoyed it even though its not my usual type of comedy.

St0ryt3ll3r's Club: Parents and Childhood
Always a mixed bag, but always a lovely night. Definitely go along to one if you ever can.

So they were the good ones. Stay tuned for Part 2, the not-so-good.

Lovers, your turn. What did you see? What did you think? Be prepared to be mocked mercilessly if all you saw was one or two big names. Seriously, I will destroy you.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

BDSM Clubs!

Oh Em Gee Why Gee. Oh my god, you guys.

Let’s just get right into it. I’m part of a working group to make porn awesome. We had our first meeting. There were a few people I’d met briefly before, but it turns out they were all unspeakably awesome (and perverted, yay!) and we were all on the same page.

The meeting finished around 8pm. I had so much to do. I was getting a lift home, to do said activities. There was much to do. Sensible things, things that couldn’t wait.


So I went to the fetish night with my new friends. Obviously after a quick stop at work to put on another 14 layers of eyeshadow, brush some dry shampoo on my fringe and inhale a can of hairspray.

And it was the happiest place on Earth! Everyone was friendly, polite and respectful. There were suspension bondage scenes! Flogging! Medical play with needles! All sorts of things that were just lovely to watch.

Lots of fun, lots of laughing. A guy tried to cruise me, but I was friendly-yet-offstandish. His vibe was underwhelming.

The awesome bit was scratching a lovely girl as hard as I could, and her loving it. My nails, they are filed to a point for a reason, mmhmm.

The same girl had a brilliant master, this terribly fun gay boy who loved how butch I was when I shared the Leatherbear’s cigar. He let me pull her pigtails as hard as I could. So I did, angling her so she leaned into me. The pleasured whimpers she gave off were intoxicating and, just, charming. ‘You’re such a good girl’, I told her while brushing her fringe out of her eyes, before giving her a reassuring pat.

I got home more energetic than when I’ve had speed. I told Boyfriend about all of it. He listened with polite tolerance, bless him. But I’m so dragging him there next time.

I have got to start being more vicious to people. It really does give me such lovely feelings of wonderfulness.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Things 2

Some stuff I’ve done in the last three weeks…

Tim Minchin, Palais So you know how I’m utterly parochial, and won’t go to the south unless I categorically, absolutely have to? Well, Boyfriend and I had to brave it in late Feb and had a wonderful time. St Kilda is magical! I ducked in to Worksense on Ackland Street to see if they could cut my fringe. And I had literally the best fringe-related experience ever. The banter was top notch, the quality of the cut unsurpassed, AND he didn’t charge me. If I wasn’t wedded to my hairdresser (same since birth, my aunty) I’d be ALL OVER that place. Amazing.
THEN we went to a good dumpling place. Very ‘soft Asian’ (as opposed to authentic ‘hard Asian’ but yum. THEN we strolled the street up to Tim Minchin. And he was brilliant. Such a consummate, professional performer. As opposed to the experience the next night…

Amanda Palmer, Forum. I love her. I love her. But she has Done That Thing creative people constantly run the risk of doing. She has stopped questioning herself, and disappeared up her own arse.
The support acts were great. And then she came on, and did an amazing 20 minute set.
That took 2.5 hours to complete.
There was a lot of arsing around. To get into her costume, for example: 15 minutes at the start, just running around. It was all very fun and chaotic and drunken for her. Which, you know, is lovely, but we’re not there to see her live out some boho artist fantasy of flying by the seat of her pants. We’re here to see her art.

Millencolin and Pennywise, Palace OMGYG. So initially I was dreading it. I was so tired, work’s been exhausting, etc. so I had dinner and some wine with a friend. Friend poured me into a taxi and I got there 2 minutes before Millencolin went on stage. I was wearing a ridiculously impractical, highly tailored dress (think 50s housewife becomes a nazi goth). A very high-maintenance, delicate and structured look. Opposite of jeans and a band tee. A look that one sports to observe a band from the sidelines. Though the wine, she went straight to my head and I moshed like I was a fucking teenager again, along with about 100 sweaty boys.
I lost an earring. My boss had gifted me them the day before. Luckily some quick googling found me a replacement pair.
But lovers, they were amazing! So much so that I didn’t even stay for Pennywise! (I’ve seen them a bunch of times before). They literally just played hit after hit, every song was one I knew and loved. Perfect for a band that I stopped following circa 2001. God, they were amazing. They made me so happy to be alive.

Jared Leto, at a place of work I managed to do 3 hours of V/O with him when he was in town. And I eye-raped the bejesus out of him. God he’s pretty. Offstandish in real life, but that could be because he had a terrible cough. And because the fat goth was eye-raping him.

Tattoo I got a new one! In my lunch break at work. God, it felt good. And I love it. Moar soon.

Reinterpreting Dessert, Der Raum A. Maze. Ing. $150, 8 courses, 7 cocktails. Fucking spectacular. And I met Melbourne Gastronome! She’s lovely. I’m pretty sure she’s made from 50% Sunshine, 50% Awesome. Boyfriend was also quite taken with her, and I hope to see her again. Perhaps to try the Tour de Force (8 cocktail set menu) again at Der Raum. Mmm, decadent.

Paul Capsis, Spiegeltent Mum and I got stoned, went to sushi train, had a bottle of champagne (with an additional glass for her) and waddled over to see him. He slays me. I want him to play 11 million gigs all the time. The last two things I’ve seen him in (Threepenny Opera and All about My Mother) were pretty shit, and he was underused. So it was lovely to see him, just him. Only an hour, sadly.

Forgotten Fruits High Tea, Southpaw Another mama thing. It was really lovely, but I would have liked the obscure fruits to have been more highlighted. They were made into jams and things, so while it was interesting to taste a ‘familiar yet unfamiliar’ spread, I really didn’t come away with a strong feeling of what the heck shadberry tasted like. The sparkling wine with lavender, and the Pimms jugs, were mega-super-good. The menu: http://www.southpawbar.com.au/hightea.pdf

So yeah. Lots of things. This week, though, has been mercifully quiet. Except for the highlight of a manicure, pedicure and facial at Endota, my second ever and now it’s an addiction. Because I’m that fucking fancy, and clearly needed more overpriced things in which to indulge. But seriously, fuck school fees, fuck baby clothes, I’m spending my money on beautiful, calm ladies smothering my face in varying scented and textured goos.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011



Lovers, I am spiralling out of control. I am doing ridiculous crazy shit. Crazy shit that I would be judged harshly for. That would hurt people. That might hurt me. But I do them because the opportunity is there, and why not? I’m an experience junkie. I want all the things that make me happy all the time without pause. And also whatever else you’re offering.

It’s like I’m not even hungry, and someone says, ‘hey, want this flavourless rice cake?’ and I’m all, ‘yeah sure why not it’s there and therefore I must consume it’ I’m doing that in every aspect of my life.

Well, not with food so much, I’ve actually been a bit more healthy in that respect lately. Yay?

But everything else. Shit be wacky. I’ve sought guidance in a selection of friends. Three have been brilliant, one especially so (love you, Naridu. xo) one made everything entirely about her, since she’s basically a pile of raw nerves and everything has to affect her personally. Didn’t need that, but it’s the way it is.

A darling new friend and I have initiated a Secrets Club, since we’re having similar issues with The World being fucked and not appreciating that we want things a Very Specific Way. She’s exactly me if I was a 24-year-old-playwrite-slash-stripper. So, exactly me if I was younger and skinny. The World doesn’t understand us and it’s causing considerable pain and frustration. But we’re both such fucking firecrackers that we will make the important people see things our way, and the rest of The World can Get Fucked.

I hate that I have to talk in riddles, lovers. But clarification will come soon; things just need to be worked out. And that takes time, or so I’m reluctantly realising.

All will be well. Since it always is and always will be.

Monday, March 14, 2011


Not mine, Funzo’s. Remember Funzo? He was the ex before Boyfriend. My first blogging was pretty much entirely about the gradual deterioration of Funzo and I, and the gradual escalation of Boyfriend (then referred to as ‘The Boy’). But don’t read my early entries, they’re fucking terrible. You know, as opposed to the spun gold of now, ahem.

So anyway, Funzo and I were always wrong for each other. The sex was amazing, but we fought every day. We were opposites. We HATED each other. And I milked my snake on him.

You know when an animal handler makes a snake bite down on a jar, to milk it of its poison? And you know when you’re a crazy fucking girl, and you get into your first relationship, and you have to do all that crazy fucking shit to test the boundaries? That’s milking the snake. If Boyfriend and I had hooked up back in 2000, when I desperately wanted to, we would have lasted about 3 weeks. Because I was still so poisonous.

But this is about Funzo. So yes, we were opposites. We were melodramatic. We were drunk on the thrill of our first requited love.

I cheated on him with two different people. But in all fairness, I didn’t yet know I was built that way. One was in our first few months, with Ex 2, which kind of wasn’t my fault entirely since he had a way of completely and utterly manipulating me. We had sex twice. Only once was really with my consent, but yeah. And then, at the beginning of the end (it took Funzo and me about a year of deterioration to finally break up) I kissed Boyfriend. Only once, not that I didn’t want more. Boyfriend was all moral and shit.

So yesterday, Funzo got married. The ceremony was lovely, his bride is brilliant and utterly suited to him. It’s hilarious; she is the opposite of me as if she was created from scratch with the brief of NOT DESCI IN ANY WAY. She’s one of those pleasant glasses girls, you know that genre? They discuss The Big Issues together. I have no interest in The Big Issues. I want pleasure and sin and laughing and happiness.

Going to the wedding was also useful, since we could tick off some more ‘we are not doing THAT’ stuff at our wedding. Weddings are a bit fucked. I have to start organising mine. It’s in June. Urg.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Ramblings During Aversion to Sleep

I’m a selfish, selfish person and I want The World to just indulge me. When does that whole ‘growing up’ thing happen – you know, when you start gracefully accepting responsibilities, and just grit your teeth and do the things you don’t want to do, but have to? (As opposed to just, you know, not doing them and alienating your loved ones, or those who may need to depend on you).

I hope it happens soon. I’m 30 this year. Maybe some switch will flick and I’ll start making sacrifices for those I love, instead of just doing what I’m not meant to do anyway, and then resenting the fact that The World has different ideas to me about what is acceptable Desci behaviour.

I truly am one of two extremes with everything ever. And I want all the things that make me happy all the time without pause.

You cunts are alright; can you let The World know that due to a quirk of my upbringing, I’m a unique little snowflake who needs special treatment by virtue of the fact that I fucking said so?

Dear god. Russell Brand made a fucking career out of his narcissistic personality disorder; why can’t I?

Thursday, February 24, 2011

The Times

Lovers. You wouldn’t even believe me if I told you.

Or maybe you would.

Stick around. Not this week or this month, but shit’s gonna get vintage some time in the future. Hopefully nearer rather than distant.

Love you all.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Valentine's Day, You Hysterical Bitches

FB makes me hate people again.

You know what I was doing yesterday? I wanted to go to Pearl, since their day-specific special menu had me thinking improper thoughts (mmm, steak tartare) but had to cancel because on Friday I had three wisdom teeth yanked out.

I know, it never stops lately.

So I was at home. I felt like something pretty, so I jumped on Etsy and bought myself two bracelets and a necklace.

I looked at all the hysterical women on FB. Some favourite statuses:

'Loves it when clients give her valentines presents. Now I wonder what is in store when I get home........'
How foreboding!

is waiting for my lovely husband to come home, hope his arms aren't too sore carrying my flowers, balloons and chocolates ;)

You know what we did for Valentine's Day? We banged. And it was awesome. Boyfriend got home late, he had some dinner, shaved, and then we banged.

Which is a fuckload more use to me than chocolate in the shape of a Labrador. Or a tacky gold trinket from fucking Bevilles or one of those other low-rent jewellry stores you see in plazas. Or a balloon with 'I Wuv You' on it.

Surprise yourself with cool shit. You know what you like. Don't submit to the pressure of feeling miserable if you don't get allotted your share of tacky, hallmark-esque day-specific plastic.

And bang someone, FFS. Bang the ever-loving snot out of them.


Wednesday, February 09, 2011

2, 4, 6, 8, Who Do You Appreciate? Me, Me, Me, Me, Me

(Title taken from one of my favoutire Louis XIV songs)

Gay lovers, my narcissism reached a peak today: I walked to the further-away sushi place at lunch, because I felt more people needed to see me. Same thing happened last week, when I decided to take the tram rather than a taxi. Both times I looked phenomenal BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT.

It’s on The List for the psychologist, this cursed self-esteem overabundance. Right after ‘the accident’, ‘my parents’ and ‘OMG srsly, how good is FOOD?!’