Thursday, March 10, 2005

1900 Freakline Vol 1

Most of you know that The Hack does this weekly-ish thing called Porking Friends, in which he picks the creepiest lonely hearts ads in the local paper, and then asks his readers to pick the best. It’s always hilarious and brilliantly done.

Since:

a) Someone else suggested it, and

b) Porking Friends is appearing less and less frequently in TSSH (the Hack probably has the excuse that he’s too “busy”. So what, his partner is five months pregnant, he has a fulltime job and a Hambo to teach how to drive! That’s no excuse for not making fun of lonely middle-aged sleazes!)

So, since a) and b); I decided that this weekly-ish thing will be a fun interactive thing!

Every Thursdayish, I’ll post the three best (worst) messages from the phone intro line I monitor. Sometimes there’ll be themes (Thucked-up Threesomes is one I’m toying with at present) and then you, my sexy, intelligent readership, will have till the next Wednesday to vote for which one was the creepiest/funniest/wrong-est. Fun? Fun!

Lets begin, with 1900 Freakline Volume 1! Dun-da-DUUUN!!

Tentative theme: Great First Impressions

Mailbox Number XXXX Reply to Message
(Matter-of-fact, Aussie man-of-business voice): ‘G’day X, thanks for your message. You sound like you’re hungry for cock. Get back to me’

The funniest thing about that one was, the woman’s initial message was flirtatious and giggly, but not overly horny/hardcore. Yet this guy tells her she’s hungry like the wolf. Yowza.

Mailbox Number XXXX Reply to Message
Older man’s voice: ’Hi X, this is Y. Thanks for your message, it sounds like we could have lots of casual fun together. As long as you’re not charging, or anything. So, describe yourself…’

Now, I respect that this guy wants to get everything sorted out, but this is an introduction line, where any solicitation from professional sex workers is unheard of. And also, accusing a woman of being a prostitute in the second message? Good start. I can just imagine, some pretty girl at a bar, just been stood up by her bastard boyfriend, wants revenge… sees this guy at the other end of the bar. Walks up to him, asks if he’s by himself. ‘As long as you’re not charging!’ comes the suave response. No wonder this guy’s in his 50s and single.

Mailbox Number XXXX Introductory Message
‘Hi Ladies, my name is X and I’m very, very lonely’[end message]

And that’s it? Oooh, oldies, fatties, uglies, jump to it! What a turn on!

So there are the three options. Votes and sarcastic comments appreciated, and tallied next Wednesday.

8 comments:

LadyCracker said...

Number One definitely.

I'm getting a composite image of Jack Thompson, Russell Crowe and John Elliot and it is not pretty.

What sort of person hops straight to the chase like that?

I know - a cheapskate.

Hambo said...

Desci, the Hack isn't busy with teaching me to drive. No lessons yet. Thought I'd clear that up. As for why there has been no Porking Friends? Dunno.

Anyway, I vote for number 3. Its why god invented the internet! No longer am I lonely.

DJ said...

I gotta go with number 2, nothing worse than finding out that you gotta pony up the cash halfway through the sales pitch. Or maybe thats just me.

More Oz Ramblings said...

Nah, number one. I can just hear it, that's the thing that pushes me over the edge.

Anonymous said...

Firstly, Desci, thanks for the shout-out. You're far too kind. Comments like those are enough to stroke my ego - something Caz will not be happy about.

It's not that Porking Friends is on hiatus. I just haven't had the time of late because of work, babies and various other stuff. Must get back on it and complete World Series Porking Friends, at the very least.

And Hambo, when have you shown the slightest interest in driving lessons?

Caz gave him a car - a Japanese boat anchor in my view, but a car nonetheless - that's now out of rego and slowly decomposing in his driveway.

But I digress.

Eerily, I agree with Hambo. It's number three for me, too. That sort of cold, nondescript desperation might almost make that guy enigmatic and alluring to some...

Love and kisses,

The Hack.

steev said...

Hey desci, you heard MY message (#3). Did you like it? Honest and direct. But are you making fun of it? (pouts)

btw, DJ, I can't quite make out the details of what you are eating in your little gravatar piccy thingo. Is it a sausage roll? Is that really you? I always thought you were a bloke.

Aimee said...

Goodness. They're all so classy, it's hard to decide. I think I have to go for number two though. Nothing's quite as classy as insinuating that the woman you're hoping to hook up with might be a prostitute.

Anonymous said...

I have to go for #1. "HUNGRY FOR COCK" is a line I am projected to steal by the time I reach 30.

Adam 1.0