Thursday, March 03, 2005

New Fun Weekly Thingy!

It strikes me as odd that I don’t oft talk about my ‘other’ job. Besides working in a chumpy callcentre, I do some phone sex stuff. I only do actual phone sex occasionally (shit hours, shit pay, boring… I only do it to keep sweet with the company that employs me, so they’ll give me other, better jobs). The rest of my job is logging on to the system ever day/every couple of days, to monitor the introduction line. You know those lines like Lavalife and stuff, where people hear each other’s messages, and then send messages back and fourth? Well, I listen to the messages, to make sure no one’s underage or overly dodgy, and that everything else is above board.

And, my god.

Basically the type of guy who calls (I mostly have to monitor guy’s messages) is the kind of freak, mutant or sociopath who can’t organise some casual sex in ‘real’ life, and is too stupid to go to the internet. So he goes onto a system that charges him more than $5 per minute.

99% of the guys are looking for ‘something casual’, ie, ‘too cheap to pay for a prostitute… but by the time I hook up with anyone here my phone bill could pay for five of them’.

There are some funny, funny (but o so wrong) messages. And now, coz I love you all so much, every Thursday-ish I’ll bring you the week’s best (or most disturbing) one! Is that a good idea? Read this week’s and tell me if you want more, or if, like a ‘cross’ pop star, we should never speak of it again.

Mailbox Number XXXX Introductory Message
Hi. I’m a 43-year old guy, single, looking for a lady… in good condition, for some fun. As long as it’s fun with a lady. Call me on 04xx xxx xxx’

a) ’As long as it’s fun with a lady’ ok, you’re straight, we GET it.
b) ‘Good condition’?! Dear god man, she’s a woman, not a secondhand ute in the Trading Post!

Oh, ok, I’ll give you another one…

Mailbox Number XXXX Reply to Message
Hi X, this is Y. Thanks for getting back to me. I’ll tell you what I look like… [edit] …I have an 8-inch cock, and I’d really like to jam it in ya… so get back to me, and tell me what you look like, and how you like it.’

How she likes it? Not having her vagina treated like an overfull laundry bag, I’m sure. (‘Jam it in ya’. He really, really said that.)

So that’s basically what to expect. And character descriptions of the guys whose messages I hear a lot. Whaddaya reckon, funny or lame? Weekly thing or ditch it? On to you.


mnkymelbourne said...

lets get one thing straight - I said "jam it in ya hard" that it quite different from "jam it in ya" - please don't miss quote me again - apology accepted in advance

Anonymous said...

I thought the first one might have been saying he was in good condition...

As for the Jammer I'm appalled that somebody responded to him and then he went and ripped that line out. He might have been IN. Idiot.

Adam 1.0

LadyCracker said...

DESCI - your calling awaits you, perhaps you have already seen this

Submissions are now open from young writers and artists (under 25) to the
national literary magazine Voiceworks #61, the Å’Playground¹ issue.

Where do you play?

Is the whole world your playground, or just certain blue light discos?

Å’Poetry was her private playground¹. Is your imagination a playground ­ or
your memory? Tell us about your childhood. Does your inner child have an
inner playground, where it skins its knees and sobs? What does this
playground look like at night?

Voiceworks is your playground; a place for your mind to run riot. Have fun,
pretend, play the fool. Play possum. Play dead. Be ground-breaking ­ but
keep grounded.

Submission deadline: Friday 1st April.

The magazine is also seeking new cinema and sex columnists (for a two-year
tenure, four issues per year) who should be literate, articulate, and also
aged under 25. For more details contact the editor, Tom Doig on (03) 9326
8367 or

About Voiceworks: a quarterly magazine dedicated to showcasing and
supporting the work of writers and artists under 25, and distributed
nationally. Published quarterly by the Melbourne-based youth arts
organisation Express Media, Voiceworks prints and pays professional rates
for new fiction, poetry, articles, interviews, rants, photographs, comic
strips and other artwork. The magazine is supported financially by the
Australia Council and Arts Victoria. For more information go to

LadyCracker said...

oh a keep the weekly ting - it is a cracker

Hambo said...

Hahaha! Im glad there are people worse than me out there!!

That makes me soo happy :)

Anonymous said...

Hmm, casual sex isn't quite that easy to organise if you're a guy Desci.

There's a whole supply and demand thing working against you.

Definitely feed us this gold as often as possible.

As for the jammer, he's leaving the message without knowing who's going to listen right?


Talk about not being picky!

steev said...

oh yes, keep em coming (so to speak)

More Oz Ramblings said...

Definitely a weekly thing. Reading about people lamer than ourselves (I hope) makes us all feel better (in a really sick, cruel way - but anyone suggesting they want to jam it in should probably go and make bad gonzo films).

Desci said...

cool cool. will keep it... but i need more! more vaildation! anyone else think it's a good/bad idea?

Ladycracker - I so owe you a beer or head. Fired of an email to the Voiceworks ed straight away xo

By the way, no, MC jammer *was* replying to a specific mailbox. urg.

annoying customer said...

Sounds highly dubious, illegal and immoral.
Hence its ideal for your blog.

But on a less recklessley fun note, could spell legal action and a guaranteed loss of job.

Go nuts.

Gurge played our Oweek night at MU. I missed it... =\

Anonymous said...

More! More! More!

mnkymelbourne said...

you are all having such a good laugh at me and my methods for scoring (not yet but one day) with the ladies (skanks/losers) - it is all big fun isn't it? Well I have been to see my legal advisor (guy at pub) and let me tell you he said "that I am an idiot" so go right ahead and we will see who the idiot is!

Desci said...

AC - i know. they played 2 o week shows, and for several reasons, they were the only 2 gurge shows in melbourne, that ive missed, since 1996's supporting of RHCP (still cant believe i missed that'un). Desci heestory, in ze making. sigh.

Also, i totally won't get fired. I'm keeping the company anonymous (there are hundreds of these organisations, and this one, juding by how many messages there are, is very, very small). Plus, every phone line, phone sex, intro lines, etc, need monitors - if the Law-men find something illegal going on on the system, they can fine/close down the company. So they need to keep a VERY close eye on what goes on. It's all good.

Plus, this blog is wee. The odds of them finding it is also wee.

Did I just jinx myself? Hope not, this job is v. v. important to my being able to eat, etc. $$$

Anonymous said...

what I got yout to get it jam it in you

<smith st bogan>
ok so I totaly can't sing, ladycracker's on to somthin' 'tho: 'nother idea for ya blog here:
</smith st bogan>

Anonymous said...

I dare say your boyfriend has more chance of finding this than your employers do if you haven't attached their name.

"That could be any phone sex line!" etc...

Adam 1.0

Ren said...

Hee! I would SO love this weekly. Givus three and we'll all pick our favs. *L*

Desci said...

Ren - Yes! I'll have to credit TSSH, though, since the Hack does the best Porking Friends section ever. Ever.

Adam - that's what I was thinking, but I did get a lil paranoid. Cheers for the reassurance ;)