It strikes me as odd that I don’t oft talk about my ‘other’ job. Besides working in a chumpy callcentre, I do some phone sex stuff. I only do actual phone sex occasionally (shit hours, shit pay, boring… I only do it to keep sweet with the company that employs me, so they’ll give me other, better jobs). The rest of my job is logging on to the system ever day/every couple of days, to monitor the introduction line. You know those lines like Lavalife and stuff, where people hear each other’s messages, and then send messages back and fourth? Well, I listen to the messages, to make sure no one’s underage or overly dodgy, and that everything else is above board.
And, my god.
Basically the type of guy who calls (I mostly have to monitor guy’s messages) is the kind of freak, mutant or sociopath who can’t organise some casual sex in ‘real’ life, and is too stupid to go to the internet. So he goes onto a system that charges him more than $5 per minute.
99% of the guys are looking for ‘something casual’, ie, ‘too cheap to pay for a prostitute… but by the time I hook up with anyone here my phone bill could pay for five of them’.
There are some funny, funny (but o so wrong) messages. And now, coz I love you all so much, every Thursday-ish I’ll bring you the week’s best (or most disturbing) one! Is that a good idea? Read this week’s and tell me if you want more, or if, like a ‘cross’ pop star, we should never speak of it again.
Mailbox Number XXXX Introductory Message
Hi. I’m a 43-year old guy, single, looking for a lady… in good condition, for some fun. As long as it’s fun with a lady. Call me on 04xx xxx xxx’
a) ’As long as it’s fun with a lady’ ok, you’re straight, we GET it.
b) ‘Good condition’?! Dear god man, she’s a woman, not a secondhand ute in the Trading Post!
Oh, ok, I’ll give you another one…
Mailbox Number XXXX Reply to Message
Hi X, this is Y. Thanks for getting back to me. I’ll tell you what I look like…  …I have an 8-inch cock, and I’d really like to jam it in ya… so get back to me, and tell me what you look like, and how you like it.’
How she likes it? Not having her vagina treated like an overfull laundry bag, I’m sure. (‘Jam it in ya’. He really, really said that.)
So that’s basically what to expect. And character descriptions of the guys whose messages I hear a lot. Whaddaya reckon, funny or lame? Weekly thing or ditch it? On to you.
1 hour ago